How Deeply My Body is Stained by Yours
by soccercopdoc
Summary: Sarah finds pics of Alison and Beth along with Beth's journal and figures out they were together. Sarah knows that Alison is devastated, so she does something to try and help ease her pain.
1. Chapter 1

"Alright, Cosima. I'll call you when I find it." Sarah huffed into the phone before hanging up.

Cosima had been bugging her to locate some files on other clones she was sure Beth had. Cosima said that Beth had been trying to locate other clones in North America, but she wasn't sure what the detective had come up with. Unfortunately, Beth hadn't shared any information with her before she….. Sarah swallowed; she hated to think about it, she didn't even want to say it. She shook her head and tossed her phone on the bed. Sarah had gone through the rest of the flat, so the only place they could be was Beth's closet.

Sarah dug through the closet pulling box after box off the shelf for what seemed like an eternity when she spied a box in the far back corner. It was almost completely hidden from sight and required her to jump to grab it.

"Bloody hell!" She growled.

A small box that had been on top of the other box and all its contents came spilling out on her. The box was full of pictures and a small notebook. Sarah squatted to set the box she was holding down and froze. She looked at the pictures strew around her on the floor. She sat down and gathered up the pictures. She began looking through them and couldn't believe what she saw.

"Holy shite." She gasped.

They were mostly of Alison she was sure, she'd know that pink sweater anywhere. A few of the pictures were of Beth and some contained both women.

Alison with her eyes closed, face upturned to the sky as the sun highlighted a bright smile. Sarah couldn't help but smile. Alison looked so at ease, like she was experiencing pure bliss. Next was a smirking Alison with her pink ear muffs on holding a gun. After that was of her shooting the gun, seemingly oblivious to having her picture taken. Sarah flipped through a few more that seemed to have been taken without Alison noticing. Alison with a glass of wine in her hand; cheeks flushed and smiling sweetly. Alison standing in Beth's kitchen wearing an apron and an adorable grin.

The ones of Beth were similar. These didn't look any of the other pictures Sarah had seen of the detective. She, like Alison, smiled and seemed at ease. There was one of her in yoga pants and a t-shirt, sweaty and smiling. The next one was of her in the kitchen in just a t-shirt and boy shorts stretching to reach something in a cupboard. The last one was of Beth asleep on Alison's couch, a peaceful look on her face.

Sarah kept going and she couldn't believe what she was seeing. There was no trace of the tightly wound woman that she knew. This Alison seemed carefree and fun loving, not high-strung or scowling. It's almost like these pictures were of a completely different person. She began really looking at them. This Alison was playful and funny. She seemed full of life and really happy.

The ones containing both women were sweet and were a little awkwardly taken. That's when Sarah realized that all the pictures had been taken in remote locations or at either woman's home. Right, not like they could be seen out in public together she thought. Sarah smiled as she looked through the last few. It's nice that they had each other, she thought, they were close enough hang out.

She sat the pictures down next to her and grabbed the journal. Two pictures and what looked like a folded piece of paper slipped out and fell into her lap. She picked up the paper and realized it was a hand-made card. The front had glitter letters that spelled out Beth. Sarah laughed out loud because she immediately knew that Alison had made it. She pictured the soccer mom in her craft room with her glitter sat around her at the craft table. She opened it and it contained only a few lines in a beautifully written flowing script.

In this world

Love has no color –

yet how deeply

my body

is stained by yours.

~ Izumi Shikibu

She turned it over to the back and it was signed with a heart and Alison. Alison had written this to Beth. Alison had made this for Beth. Her mind seemed to be stuck on a loop. Alison took the time to make this for Beth. Beth had kept it. Beth kept it with a box full of pictures of Alison.

"No." Sarah breathed out like the air had been forced from her lungs.

The implications hit her full force. They had loved each other. Sarah gasped and brought trembling hand up to her mouth as tears started to steam down her face.

She picked up the two pictures that had fallen out of the journal. The first picture was of smiling a Beth and Alison with mussed hair and pink cheeks. She squinted and realized that they were naked. Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt bad for intruding on what was such a private moment between the two. When she opened them again she blinked a few times to clear her eyes and looked at the picture, really looked. Alison had her head on Beth's shoulder and the sheet had dipped down to reveal their shoulders. The second picture was more intimate; they were kissing and both were grinning into the kiss. Alison's hand was on Beth's cheek and her other was holding a sheet against the tops of her breasts. She couldn't stop looking; she was mesmerized by an Alison that she had never seen and a woman she had never met. They both looked completely in love.

"Oh god, oh no." she whispered.

She began to weep silently alone in the closet of a woman she was pretending to be, a woman that Alison had been in love with.

"Bloody fecking shite" Sarah groaned.

She took a few deep breaths to try and steady herself before she wiped furiously at the tears still falling. She picked up the journal and looked it over. It was just a simple journal but it seemed to weigh a ton in her hands. She suddenly felt unsure. She wasn't sure she wanted to read what was in there. She sighed and turned it over and over in her hands. Sarah rubbed the remaining tears from her cheeks and opened to the first page.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah glanced over the first page, letting her eyes flit over words. She flipped to the next page and then the next. It looked like this was Beth's journal, one she started when she found out about the other clones. Like a true detective she had written notes and made observations. Sarah found the first entry about Alison.

_~ Alison Hendrix. Scarborough. Soccer mom, 2 kids, husband Donnie. Tightly wound / high strung / stick up ass_

Sarah laughed because it was exactly what she thought when she first met Alison. The suburban clone always seemed so tightly wound, like a coiled spring. Sarah kept reading.

_~ Protective of children. In denial about clones and cloning. Scared maybe? Wears too much pink. _

Sarah snorted. These were spot on. She kept going; finding more of the same and smiling at the simple way Beth wrote about the other woman.

_~ Alison is as high strung as ever, but seems to be coming to terms with the clone thing. At least tolerating my presence. She doesn't hang up when I call her anymore. Still a bit of a mystery….._

_~ Alison seems to be more comfortable talking to me. Clone thing still scares her. She's tough, more so than people think._

_~ Alison actually has a sense of humor once you get the stick out of her ass. She's kind too and a great mom. I admire her, even if she has a glitter filled craft room._

_~ Alison and I spent the afternoon together. I enjoy talking to her. We don't have a lot in common; in fact I doubt we could be any different. I said as much to her and she laughed pointing between the two of us and said that yes we could be a lot more different. Oh, did I mention she can be a smartass? She's right though, but it's nice to have someone to share this with. I wish we could spend more time together. _

She skimmed pages and when she got 15 pages in the entries writing changed. These entries were more personal and less observational. They started becoming more about how Beth felt about Alison and read more like a diary.

~_ I finally convinced Ali to learn how to use a gun. She, of course protested, but went along anyway. She did ok for her first time, proud of her. She's a fighter and I can see the strength in the way she carries herself. I think she always seems high strung because she tries to keep everything in. She seems to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. _

Sarah pauses there and takes a deep breath. She knows that Beth is right. Alison holds in all in. She had only seen the woman come undone once, maybe twice. However, in true Alison Hendrix form, when she does something she goes all in and coming undone is no exception. Sarah flips to the next page.

~ _Alison called me today. I was surprised to hear from her. We talked for hours. We swapped childhood stories. I had to laugh because it seems so surreal to imagine Ali as a child. A mini soccer mom wearing a pink sweater and doing craft projects. I told her that's how I picture her and she just laughed. She told me about college and her relationship with Donnie. Not sure how I feel about Donnie, but I guess it doesn't matter. I am happy that she's started to open up to me. _

_~ I took Alison shooting again today. She told me she's thinking about auditioning for a play at the Glendale community center. She seemed excited at the idea. I hope she does, it would be nice for her to have something for herself. I took a couple pictures of her today, not really sure why. I couldn't help it; she seemed so hopeful and happy, so unlike when I first met her. She's growing on me. _

_~ Ali called today; she got the part in the play. I congratulated her. She invited me to opening night. That was awkward and made us both uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. She apologized and hung up. I want to go. I want to see her, but I can't. We can't be seen together. _

_~ I haven't talked to Alison in over a week. I think she's avoiding me because of the last time we talked. Maybe I should call her. _

_~ I broke down and called Alison. She was avoiding me, but not for the reasons I thought. Of course I had to pry it out of her. She said that she realized that we can't ever really be seen together and made her sad that I can't ever meet Oscar and Jemma. She felt stupid for even saying it out loud, but I assured her I feel the same way. I mean what good is it for us to be friends if we have to hide it from everyone. I asked her over for dinner next week. _

Sarah paused there. She could tell where this was all going; she had the photographic evidence sitting next to her. She also knows how this all ends and almost tears up at that thought. She shakes her head and sighs. She wants to call Fee or Cosima to have someone to talk to about this, but she doesn't know how they'll take it. As she thinks about it, she's surprised that she hasn't even given it a second thought, until now. She has no problem knowing that Beth and Alison were together, hell she's just happy that they had each other. This clone thing has been tough on all of them and it's a comforting thought to know that Beth and Alison at least had each other to lean on. Had, she swallows hard around that word and closes her eyes. Images of the train station flash on her eye lids like a poorly filmed horror movie. Her eyes snap open and she starts to wonder if these images will ever go away. Shit, she didn't even know Beth and she can't get past it. She starts to think about Alison. She's been going through Beth's suicide alone. She knows that a big part of Alison's break down's and behavior have been because of it. Sarah wants to help, but she doesn't even know where to begin. She can tell that Alison and Beth worked very hard on keeping their relationship a secret and Alison would be mortified if she found out that Sarah knew. So how, how in the world can she help Alison. Sarah looks down at the open journal in her lap and a plan starts to slowly form. She flips to the next page and smiles.


	3. Chapter 3

Sarah finds that she is excited to read the next entry in Beth's journal. She wants to know what happens between Alison and Beth. Well, maybe not everything, she thinks as she glances at the pictures of the women in bed together.

~ _I invited Alison for dinner. Why did I invite Alison for dinner? I don't even know what she likes to eat. I should just ask her. This was a bad idea. I need to call her and cancel. _

_~ I called Alison and she immediately knew I called to cancel. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, even though she tried to act nonchalant about it. I couldn't do it, so I asked her what she likes to eat. I don't know why the idea of hurting Alison's feelings affects me. Why was she upset? It's just dinner._

_~ Alison said she likes Italian, so I'm going to make baked ziti with marinara and parmesan. I got a nice Merlot to go with it; I know how much she likes wine. I often imagine her sitting in her craft room at night drinking wine. It seems like a very Alison thing to do. _

Sarah knew this to be true of Alison, she had seen it herself. Alison could often be found in her craft room with a bottle of wine next to her working on a new project. Sarah laughed remembering the purple hat and mittens Alison had knitted for Kira. Kira loved them of course. Sarah continued reading.

_ ~ Tonight went well, for the most part. In fact it was going really well until I kissed her. Shit, what was I thinking? I wasn't and that's the problem. I wasn't thinking about all the reasons why that would be a bad idea. It just happened. Stupid, but I don't know why I did it. We had a great evening and she enjoyed dinner. She made a smartass comment about being surprised I could cook. I was tempted to tell her that I hardly ever cooked for anyone, but I didn't. We had some wine and then dessert; I got a tiramisu from a little bakery down by the station. We talked, not about anything important, but about little things; music, our favorite movies, etc. Alison was happy and laughing. I found myself just watching her; watching the way her face lit up and the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled. I am always amazed that I find her to be such an intriguing person. She took a bite of tiramisu and some got on the corner of her mouth. I grabbed her chin and wiped it off with my thumb. Ali just sat there and stared at me. Then, without thinking about it or even realizing I was going it, I leaned over and kissed her. It was sweet and soft. It was hardly a kiss. I let my lips brush over hers and pulled back. It only lasted a few seconds, but when I pulled back I knew the damage had been done. The second I looked into her eyes I knew I might never see her again. She stood up and backed away from me, like I had grown a third eye. I opened my mouth to explain, I'm not sure what happened, I could only stand there looking like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. I grabbed for her, but she shook her head and bolted out the door. She left so fast she forgot her coat. What did I do? A better question is why, why did I do it?_

Sarah sat there looking around the floor of the closet at all the pics of Beth and Alison. She had wondered how this was going to play out. She couldn't imagine the soccer mom initiating it. In fact, she wasn't surprised that Alison reacted the way she had. Sarah smirked; Alison had probably gone home and locked herself in her craft room with a bottle, or two, of wine and had a nervous breakdown. She can picture the suburbanite pacing the room ranting and raving to herself.

_~ I have officially fucked everything up. I've called Alison a million times but she won't talk to me. I even had Cosima call her; she won't talk to either of us. I'm glad Cosima didn't ask why I needed her to call Alison. What could I say? Oops, I kissed our clone and now she won't talk to me. That would be a very awkward conversation. I'm not sure what Cosima would have to say about it either, not sure I want to find out._

_~ It's been over 2 weeks and Alison still won't talk to me. I was worried about her safety, so I drove to her house. I waited for hours until I saw her and the kids. I was glad to see that she was in one piece. I felt like a stalker, but I just had to be sure she was ok. _

_~ It's been another week and Alison won't talk to me. I'm still not sure how to get her to talk to me. Hell, I don't even know what to say to her if she does. Sorry? The weird thing is, I'm not sorry, not at all. I don't want to apologize. I want to do it again. This is crazy. Am I crazy? I mean, she's me, but not. God, the whole clone thing is enough to melt anyone's brain, but I had to go and kiss my clone. Way to go Childs._

Honestly, Sarah felt sorry for Beth. Beth was right the clone thing on its own was a lot to handle; she couldn't imagine also being involved with one. This made her think of Alison and all that she must be going through. It was hard enough with the clone shit, add Beth's death and not being able to react appropriately or tell anyone about your relationship. Shit, Sarah is starting to understand the tail spin Alison has been in since she met her.

_~ It would be a lie to say I've lost track of how long it's been since that night. That night, the night I lost Alison. I know exactly how many days and it's slowly eating me up. I never asked for this. I never wanted it. Now, though, I don't know how to get back to life without her. I feel stupid and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I did this and I don't know how to make it right. _

~ _I've thrown myself into work and researching the other clones. Cosima and I talk at least once a week to keep each other updated on my investigation and her scientific discoveries. She told me that she had finally gotten ahold of Alison. It made my stomach roll and heave to hear Cosima talk about Alison. It's good, I guess, at least she's keeping Ali in the loop about some of our discoveries. We agreed the less Alison knows the better. I got Cosima to agree to it for the kids, but really I just want to keep Alison safe, even if she wants nothing to do with me. I need to keep her safe, we have no idea what's coming for us. _


	4. Chapter 4

Sarah re-read the last line, took a deep breath, and sat the journal in her lap. She knew what was coming for them and Beth had paid the price to keep them all safe. Sarah picked up a few of the pictures and looked at them. Her heart clinched in her chest at sight of the two women smiling back at her. Sarah could see it in the way the Beth looked at Alison, she would have done anything for her. Sarah sighed and vowed to find some way to help Alison. She picked up the journal and began to read.

_~ I talked to Cosima today and she told me that Alison had asked about me and how I was doing. I smiled at that, but it also made me sad. It's been too long since I've seen Ali. I miss her. She needs to get over it. I mean shit all I did was kiss her. Little does she know I plan on doing it again. Hell, it might help get that stick outta her ass. _

_~ So I decided I had enough of Alison not talking to me and am now stalking her. Well, stalk sounds creepy, but I am following her. I am hoping to find a minute to get her alone. It's not like I can just walk up to her front door. Can you imagine? Donnie would shit a brick and Ali would kill me. Anyway, back to stalking…. I'm going back to her house in the morning. I've watched Donnie and Alison leave the house at the same time every morning. Alison takes the kids to school and then comes home and Donnie goes to work. So, tomorrow I plan to break into her back door and surprise her. _

Sarah chuckled and tried to imagine how Alison is going to react to Beth breaking into her house. The soccer mom practically has a stroke anytime the clone club meets there. Sarah laughs again and continues to read.

_~ Today went about as well as it could. I wish that you could detect sarcasm through writing. It was a complete and utter shit show. I got to Alison's house early and watched her leave with the kids and come back. I waited a few minutes before going around to the back. I did consider just knocking, but knew that would give Alison the chance to refuse to open the door. So, I picked the lock and went in. I checked downstairs, but she wasn't there so I went upstairs. I could hear her moving around on the top floor and I headed up. As I neared the top of the stairs, I could hear Alison singing at the end of the hallway. I followed the sound of her voice and as I entered the room I realized it was her bedroom. That's when I heard the shower turn on and I stopped dead in my tracks. I looked across the room and saw Alison standing in the bathroom stripping off her clothes. I swallowed and froze. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. Now of course I wish I hadn't, but I did. I watched as Alison pulled her t-shirt off and over her head before dropping it in the clothes hamper. I remained stuck in place while she hooked her thumbs in the sides of her yoga pants and pulled them down over her hips. That's when I knew I was in trouble, the moment the woman in front of me bent at the waist to tug her pants the rest of the way off, I was done for. I silently praised the yoga gods for the amazing sight before me. I was still too dazed by the yoga toned ass to notice Alison getting into the shower. I watched for a minute before I knew that I was crossing a line so I slowly backed out of the room. I slumped against the wall and left myself slide down onto the floor trying to regain some sense of composure. I sat there listening to Alison sing and wondered what I was doing here. How was this going to play out? How the fuck did I think this was ever a good idea? I was too lost in my thoughts to hear the shower shut off. I heard footsteps and quickly jumped up, unfortunately my foot was asleep and I fell into the door way and onto the floor. I scared Alison, who dropped her towel and screamed. I got to my knees quickly and realized that I was suddenly face to breasts with my clone._

Sarah was laughing so hard she had to stop reading for a minute. She could just picture it. Poor Beth, Alison was going to unleash hell on her. She would have hated to be Beth in that moment.

_~ I could only stare like an idiot. Alison gasped and slapped me. I felt the sting radiate through my cheek as I groped blindly for the towel. I handed it to her and she quickly covered herself, not before I got another look at her. God, how were we clones, do I look that good? Her abs are ridiculous, seriously, maybe I should try yoga. Alison starting yelling at me and pacing back and forth, asking what I was doing, why was I there? I didn't hear her. I was too focused on the way the water droplets from her hair slide down her throat and disappeared over the tops of her breasts. I smirked at the sight and looked up to see Alison looking back at me with a strange look on her face. I apologized over and over again, for everything; for breaking in and for scaring her. When I was done she only looked at me like she was expecting more. She asked if that was all and I said yes. I knew she was hinting at the kiss and waiting for me to apologize. I told her I wasn't here to apologize for the kiss and I wouldn't apologize because I wasn't sorry. I was here because I missed her and wanted to get past it. Alison titled her head to the side, as if considering something, and I saw the corner of her mouth twitch. I'm not sure what it meant, but I knew that I had been forgiven. Alison simply nodded as if that was enough of an explanation for her. I stepped out of the bedroom and let her get dressed. I met her downstairs and she walked me to the door. I had my hand on the door handle and decided to push my luck just a bit, to see if I could get a rise out of her. I told her that yoga and hip hop abs really did agree with her and she smirked. I stepped outside and felt a hand grab my arm. When I turned Alison was smiling at me. "I missed you too, Beth." Is all she said before letting go and shutting the door._

Sarah sighed. These two idiots, she thought with a smile.


End file.
